Birthday Wishes for a Proper Family Narrative

As is often the case every couple years on my birthday I take a self diagnostic and write a "Birthday Wishes for" post. Whether it was Happy Parenting in 2008, Political Perspective in 2010, or Empathy in 2011, the exercise has become a neat anti-New Year's Resolution (check my post history to see how those have worked out). This year, nothing seems more relevant than a simple wish for a happy family. From the NYT:

“There was a lot of research at the time into the dissipation of the family,” he told me at his home in suburban Atlanta. “But we were more interested in what families could do to counteract those forces.”

Around that time, Dr. Duke’s wife, Sara, a psychologist who works with children with learning disabilities, noticed something about her students.

“The ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges,” she said.

The uniqueness of the answer is concealed in just how simple "knowing" was measured:

Her husband was intrigued, and along with a colleague, Robyn Fivush, set out to test her hypothesis. They developed a measure called the “Do You Know?” scale that asked children to answer 20 questions.

Examples included: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth?

Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush asked those questions of four dozen families in the summer of 2001, and taped several of their dinner table conversations. They then compared the children’s results to a battery of psychological tests the children had taken, and reached an overwhelming conclusion. The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. The “Do You Know?” scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.

Loyal blog readers may be thinking, but what about that whole Life's Not a Story, It's a Mess quarter-life epiphany. I am certainly still weary of creating overarching life patterns where none exist, but that doesn't mean we can't create some general narrative:

Psychologists have found that every family has a unifying narrative, he explained, and those narratives take one of three shapes.

First, the ascending family narrative: “Son, when we came to this country, we had nothing. Our family worked. We opened a store. Your grandfather went to high school. Your father went to college. And now you. ...” [sound famialiar? -HB]

Second is the descending narrative: “Sweetheart, we used to have it all. Then we lost everything.”

“The most healthful narrative,” Dr. Duke continued, “is the third one. It’s called the oscillating family narrative: ‘Dear, let me tell you, we’ve had ups and downs in our family. We built a family business. Your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who was once arrested. We had a house burn down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what happened, we always stuck together as a family.’ ”

It's not about creating a false story that leaves out the gritty details. It's about creating an inter-generational understanding of the world. This seems to be the strength of long lasting institutions (think the military or the Catholic Church). In fact, one of the big realities of Biblical wisdom is having a God's eye view of history. This just seems like a healthy step in the right direction.

It also works for institutions like businesses. Which is why at our most recent State of the Theater meeting, in which we added several new members to Alchemy, I took a few minutes to put where we are going in context of where we have been.

This has also given me the idea of creating a new end of the year project for my US History courses. Every year we create a large timeline going around the room labeled by pictures of the presidents a graphic organizers of every topic. After exams this year I plan on assigning students to investigate their own family heritage and narrative and label our giant timeline with the names and stories. I look forward to completing it myself.

Improv Show with 30 Rock's Scott Adsit

The folks at the Charleston Comedy Festival were kind enough to ask me to perform in their All Star shows this year. Here's a clip:

Doritos Crash the Super Bowl Ad Contest

A local video production company and I recently entered the annual Doritos contest and made it to the top 40 videos. Go here to vote for my video entitled "Triple Play".

Top 5 Thoughts on Kids and Money

While going through my email recently I came across some thoughts from my brother-in-law on kids and money. My response was my top 5 thoughts on kids and money (earlier):

1) There are chores you have to do because you are a part of the family. There are extra chores you can do to earn money (I think I might let my kids bid against each other on these).
2) During the summer they can do extra work for you/neighbors/businesses.
3) The older they get the longer their pay periods are.
4) Buy a piggy bank that can only be cracked open. Anything they add to savings we will match dollar for dollar (like my own retirement account). Encourage them to keep a ledger of what has gone in so they can have an estimate of when/if they want to crack it open.
5) I'd like them to tithe, so pay day is church day so they can take their "first fruits" to church that day. I'd also like to encourage them to give money away. I'm not quite sure what the kid equivalent of a tax deduction is.

Economics of the Flu Vaccine

This is the first year I've ever gotten a flu shot. This is the first year I've ever gotten something like the flu (that eventually or was always pneumonia). I have been convinced, perhaps expectantly to get a flu shot every year for now on. How you might ask?

The classic explanation for government subsidy and distribution of vaccines is externalities. We often hear the word associated with negative externalities like pollution, unemployment, or even panhandling. However there can also be things that have positive spillovers, like vaccines. But externalities is only part of the story. There are two other issues two information and temporal. Here's the information needed:

1) Cost: Most people can get it for free
2) Pain: Be a wimp like me and try the new needle so small you can't even see it and it literally cannot hurt you
3) Hassle: Bring your phone and do something useful on it (even if calling your mom is all you can)
4) Likelihood of making a difference: What I take away from this experience is that if I get 50 more flu shots and it only makes a difference for 1 person 1 time it's worth it. I've felt like crap for 7 days, I'll do a lot to keep that from happening again.

And that brings us to the other issue, the temporal. All the "hard" work of getting a flu shot doesn't benefit you immediately if at all. It benefits some future version of you. The key is to get that present you to help the future you. How do you do it? Write a blog post about how much you want a flu shot when your sick, that way when you get better you'll remember this YOU'RE ONLY GETTING OLDER AND SICKER.

I Had Roses and Apologized to No One

my sick station

I've been holed up in my guest bedroom with a "flu-like virus" and a fluctuating fever of over 100 degrees since Sunday afternoon. Most recent record was 103.8 degrees and the scale says I've lost 5% of my body weight. This is the worst I've physically felt in memory. I haven't been able to keep any real food down and haven't gone to work all week. It's been an interesting contrast to the last time I took some time off, right after my baby girl was born in October.

I've been reminded of the phrase at the title of this post, "I had roses and apologized to no one", from everybody's favorite libertarian superhero V for Vendetta. There is a character dying in prison of a deadly disease, but instead of dwelling on her current state, Valerie remembers back to the few good years she had before her world went bad. So I've decided, while I'm in my sweaty, hacky, drug filled state, I'd like to remember those 3 weeks in October:

looks this good overdue

By October 10th my wife Traci was already 3 days overdue, so we decided to get out of house, grab a bite to eat out and buy me some khaki corduroy pants I'd been wanting for so long. When we got home I gave my wife free reign on a movie selection. She choose a classic Traci favorite, The Break-Up. I guess we were prepping for our real tears with some celluloid ones.

taking a stroll,
pausing for contractions

Traci starting feeling labor pains in the middle of the night Thursday morning. For the next 20 hours or so, we labored in the house with our doula and walked around the neighborhood. The actual process of contractions, although very intense, were, in my wife's own words, "not as bad as expected". And I really enjoyed the bonding of going through it together.

not all newborns are that cute 

The last hour or so of the birth was a different story. This is the only part they show in movies because it is super intense. My wife did amazing job and at 3:32 am Friday, October 12th Traci gave birth naturally to Mae Harper Brookie. 20.5 inches and 6 pounds 4 ounces, long and thin just like her parents.

about to leave

Our plan was to spend as little time at the hospital and get to the comfort of our new home quickly. However, I was blown away at the quality of the midwives, nurses, lactation consultants, etc (though the rumors of bad food were true). I've concluded that the last big innovation in medicine is great customer service.

resting on the porch

We got home with Mae on Sunday and thus began a wonderful 2 weeks at home together (in fact I'd been so busy leading up to the birth I hadn't really spent a full day in our new house yet). The 3 of us trying to figure out eating, sleeping, and soothing together. Cuddle naps with Mae while my wife lifeguarded to ensure everyone's safety. Friends and family brought us delicious meal after delicious meal and they were all so sweet to Mae.

family of Kiko the new baby giraffe

We mostly kept ourselves during this time, with a few trips to the outside world. Some strolls around neighborhood, church, a meal out with my family, and even got a chance to walk downtown, baby strapped to me, to say goodbye to a friend moving away. And Halloween is always more fun with a baby. I ended up only missing one Alchemy show, but the theater ran just fine without me.

Like the bad times, the good times are mostly out of our control. A year ago I came to Greenville saddened by my work load, the impossibility of finding a house we could agree on, difficulty getting pregnant, and the improv community I left behind in NC. And here I am a year later with all of those desires fulfilled. I embraced the reality of suffering then, and I embrace the reality of joy now. We shouldn't brag on the upswing or be ashamed on the down. Stop and enjoy the roses you've been given and hold on to them for the future. Apparently my baby has been smiling up a storm the last few days. I look forward to seeing it in person myself. Here's a teaser for us:

Last Minute Voting Guide

"Remember, remember, the 5th of November, the blog post of treason and links." I've put a lot less energy into blogging lately, but I did give some thought about tomorrow's election and if I had anything new to say. It's turns out I don't. So here's a quick summary what I have said over the last 4 years:

1) It's okay NOT to vote. In fact, with the general lack of useful knowledge on the issues, it may be best not to.
2) It's okay TO vote, but be honest with yourself, statistically your vote doesn't matter. It's because it makes you feel good to get out and do something to support your team.
3) The BEST reason to vote is to push the political discussion in your preferred direction. It's not about the winning vote, it's about the marginal vote towards a bigger idea.
4) Your political perspectives are always SHIFTING. Who knows, in 4 years I may be voting for someone who actually wins.

I won $20 from dad in the last election betting on Obama. It looks like I'll win another $20 on him in this election from my brother. God bless America.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Here's a short film I helped create, write, and acted in. It's a long awaited revelation that all improvised comedy is actually written, rehearsed, and performed from a script.


I'll let you figure the truth out for yourself.

Future Bigotry

The gay marriage debate rages on and no one is safe from it. Not presidential candidates, not fast food chicken restaurants, and not even improv comedy shows. Alchemy, the comedy theater I run, had one of our students and friends of the company tell stories to inspire our Local Legends improv show a few weeks ago. Walter has been a menu printer, breakfast photographer, news columnist, and yes, he is gay. His stories covered all parts of his life, including some thoughts about the Chick-fil-A controversy (you can actually read them in his worth-reading Greenville News column). It was interesting to hear a downtown (think liberal) Greenville, SC (think conservative) crowd respond to his stories.

I haven't really given the issue much thought recently and I honestly haven't really kept up with the news about the controversy (in fact you may notice from the lack of blogging here, I haven't kept up with any news recently). But his stories got me to look back at the link I posted in 2009 about when gay marriage will be legalized in each state (so far we are little behind the prediction). There's no doubt the direction of change in the debate is for gay marriage. I can't imagine anyone who thinks it will be harder to get married in 5 years. Gay marriage will certainly be more like abolition and less like prohibition.

However, the bigger issue for me isn't will gay marriage happen, it will and it should, but what are the other issues for the future? I came across a two year old Washington Post article that had some possible predictive criteria:

First, people have already heard the arguments against the practice. The case against slavery didn't emerge in a blinding moment of moral clarity, for instance; it had been around for centuries. 

Second, defenders of the custom tend not to offer moral counterarguments but instead invoke tradition, human nature or necessity. (As in, "We've always had slaves, and how could we grow cotton without them?") 

And third, supporters engage in what one might call strategic ignorance, avoiding truths that might force them to face the evils in which they're complicit. Those who ate the sugar or wore the cotton that the slaves grew simply didn't think about what made those goods possible.

The writer then suggests 4 issues he thinks will one day be seen as common sense:

1) Over-incarceration, overcrowded, cruel prisons: I agree and have already posted on the issue2) Inhumane farming of animals: Although I have come to appreciate animals more, we are different. This issue will change, but not as much as the activists think.
3) Institutionalized and isolated elderly: My family is already seeing the change as the market/government/family adjusts for this demand. Though government safety net constraints will limit this.
4) Environmental destruction: As you know, I'm skeptical of overpopulation and unstoppable climate change.

Other suggestions I've read were waterboarding (already changing), high school football (Frank Deford has convinced me several times over), military drones (maybe I'm uninformed, but I don't really care about this specifically), gun control (I recently found out that I am the only member of my immediate family that lives in America that doesn't own a gun).

Here are my 3 predictions: Drugs (less restriction), debt (less socially/politically acceptable), and privacy (we'll care less about it). So what are your predictions of current beliefs that will be labeled as future bigotry?

Inconsequence of Baptism

When my wife and I moved to North Carolina and  began searching for a new church, I put out a request for Useful Church Criteria. I decided then to use church doctrine as my primary measure and we found ourselves at another reformed presbyterian church. After three years there we left with very few long term relationships. So when we moved to Greenville, we used intimacy as our primary criteria. For almost a year now, my wife and I have been attending a non-denominational house church of about twelve in Greenville. The church's larger gathering has clear baptist roots and now that we are pregnant we have come face to face with church doctrine once again. I am meeting with my church leaders today to discuss the issue and I assured them I would give it significant thought. Here are those thoughts.

The New Testament introduces a new sacrament to the God's people, baptism. There are several examples of baptism in the order of conversion and then baptism: "Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved", “Repent and be baptized", "Simon himself believed and was baptized", etc. However, because this was a new sacrament, none of them would have had a chance to be baptized as a child and some of them had already been baptized once by John the Baptist. The issue is complicated when household baptisms are discussed: "The Lord opened her heart to respond to Paul’s message. When she and the members of her household were baptized", “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved —you and your household.”, "I also baptized the household of Stephanas", etc. Did these children, wives, servants all believe simultaneously? Possible, but it is unclear. Baptism is further muddled when you look at all the other ways the word is used: "in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.”, "They were all baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea", "don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?", or finally “Can you drink the cup I drink or be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with?”

This post is not primarily about how I side on the issue of baptism, it is about how I think the local church should deal with it. So I will quickly explain the conclusions that I have come to agree with. Like the New Testament term baptism, the Old Testament term circumcision is used in a variety of ways. Everything from the literal act, to more figurative, and to even more figurative. And in many of these uses, they apply to those who are special to God and/or those who are submissive to God. All the men of Israel were physically circumcised, but not all the men in Israel had figurative "circumcised hearts". So there is a presidence for sacraments to be a signal of God's devotion to men, not of men's devotion to God. In fact, I see few Biblical examples of people choosing God and numerous examples of God choosing people, who then resist, and are eventually overwhelmed by God's pursuit. Circumcision, grace, and salvation are all a gift, one that cannot be denied. Baptism, I believe, is the New Testament sign of that gift for all those within his church, believers and their children.

Though my conviction in the good news of Jesus is strong, my conclusion on the issue of baptism is not conclusive. For this reason I believe theological differences of this kind are inconsequential to church membership and leadership. For the baptist tradition to not allow membership on this basis and means to prevent 80% of current believers and essentially all believers prior to the rise of Anabaptists in the 1500's from joining your community in good conscience. Is scripture, the Holy Spirit, and the collective wisdom of the global church that unhelpful? When you consider the issues worth dividing the church over, and there are certainly some, I don't believe this is one.

I understand this post lacks both depth and breadth, but I stand confident my charge to "preach the gospel—not with wisdom and eloquence, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power." I should however clarify my likely overly controversial title. I do think baptism should have little consequence over church participation. I do not think baptism is trivial. It is inconsequential, not unimportant. It is mentioned way too often to ever be ignored. What is consequential is my church's support of my decisions as a father. I need them to trust my commitment to my family more than they trust their commitment to a specific type of baptism. That is the question I optimistically look forward to having answered at my meeting today.