Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Ideas for Marriage, Anniversary Edition

Today marks two years with my lovely wife Traci. Here are some things I've learned (mostly the hard way). This is by no means exhaustive and many are Traci inspired, but not necessarily approved. Married or single, positive or negative, feedback or additions, it's all appreciated:

1) What's important to them isn't necessarily important to you, that doesn't mean it's not important.

2) Differences are valuable, just make sure the differences aren't values.

3) You don't realize how unique your family is until you try to start a new one.

4) There is a lot of baggage you don't know you have.

5) Love their family because to them, their family is who they are.

6) Invest in argument saving technologies: GPS, dishwasher, dual a/c controls, king size bed, separate bathroom sinks, and even blogs (so my wife doesn't have hear my every stray thought).

7) The safety of stability is the only way to raw intimacy.

8) Don't share the negatives about your spouse without their permission/knowledge.

9) However, you should allow trusted friends and family to know your hardships and speak to them.

10) Love because you said your would, not because they love you.


  1. Happy anniversary guys!!! Love y'all!

    (And I love #7.)

  2. 5 & 6 are excellent. Happy Anniversary, brother.

  3. Love this post. I want to see a quarterly report (at least) on this same topic. Here are some things I would add:

    The extent to which you believe relationships are fixed vs. they are something you work on has big implications on behavior.

    There are four dysfunctional beliefs in relationships (I got this from a psychology lecture): 1. disagreement is destructive, 2. mind reading is expected, 3. sex must be perfect, 4. men and women are basically different.

    Bad communication is the main reason why relationships fail. But good communication is not enough -- it also takes reasonableness, love, and understanding.

    In conflict, be aware of the range of possible responses. Acknowledge complaints.

    The intimacy process is to what extent you feel understood, validated, and cared for. Relationships are about figuring out what other person needs and caring for them.

    I think more importantly than loving your partner -- which happens naturally as you grow intimate with them and understand, validate, and care for them -- is liking them.

  4. Maybe a yearly anniversary edition, I like it.

    Four dysfunction beliefs are golden, although I think #4 should be misunderstanding the differences between men and women.


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