Thursday, March 03, 2011

The Almond: Activists Want God Taken Out of Foul Language

A couple of years ago I posted an article that I submitted and got accepted in the satirical Christian news site, That wasn't my first experience with online satirical writing. In college, I helped to create and even ran the no longer existent Clemson fake news source, Here's the ClemsonWiki article on it:
The Almond was a satirical news website written by Clemson University students and inspired by the satirical magazine The Onion [1]. The Almond was founded in the Spring of 2005, with the first online issue appearing on February 28th, 2005 [2]. The website was written and edited pseudo-anonymously under pen names, and anyone was free to submit articles to the site through an e-mail submission feature. Briefly, in the Fall of 2005, articles from The Almond appeared in some issues of The Tiger, in the TimeOut section. The Almond was also an official Clemson University student organization. 
Summer of 2007: The Almond was shut down following a cease-and-desist letter from the Onion. The main writers of The Almond created a new site in blog format at By September 2008, this domain name had expired.
This walk down nostalgia lane was courtesy of me coming across an article I originally wrote for the site that was later published in Clemson's student newspaper in 2005. Seems like only yesterday when I first giggled at my own idea:
Activists Want God Taken Out of Foul Language, by Jim Harris 
MIDDLE SCHOOL, CLEMSON - With the apparent outspokenness of the current presidential administration on the topic of religion, it is not surprising to see the opposing side speaking out as well. The legality of God in the Pledge of Allegiance and the 10 Commandments in public schools have become major issues of the times.

Now, even Clemson has been asked to take drastic measures to keep religion out of its doors. Local activist group AmeriCa's Right Of No Youth Ministers (ACRONYM) has confronted Clemson Middle School with the issue of young children using the word "God" in their foul language.

"I just want my children to be able to curse in the name of whomever they want," said Bob Springer, a member of ACRONYM.

When contacted Saturday for a statement, the school did not answer and was apparently not ready to reply.

ACRONYM was formed in 1996 to combat the growing number of children attending church youth groups.

"We formed picket lines of tolerance around local churches to keep our children's minds open to all voices and opinions," said Kathryn Sullivan, president of

ACRONYM. "Living in the Bible Belt can be tough, especially when people only surround themselves with others who believe similar things. ACRONYM is just a group of people who agree that this is wrong."

These activists not only blame the local church but also the media.

"We have seen the continuous collaboration between the church and conservative media for decades," said Springer. "I know my son didn't learn to curse in the name of God from me! Shows that are secretly funded by the Republican Party, like 'South Park' and 'The Osbournes,' are teaching my children ludicrous conservative values when they instruct my children that 'GD' is a 'hip' way to cuss. With this growing epidemic of religious cursing, fearful parents should be offering their children healthy, helpful secular alternatives."

ACRONYM's main legal argument is based on Thomas Jefferson's famous speech in which he quoted the Constitutional phrase describing America's "separation of church and state." Researchers are currently still searching for this line in Constitution.

"We know we are right to not let people force their beliefs on everyone else, but I just wish we could make everyone understand that!" said vice-president John Young.

Until the reluctant school is contacted to see what they are willing to do about the situation, it seems that these activists will just have to wait. ACRONYM has apparently committed itself to calling Clemson Middle School every Saturday until their phone calls are answered.

"They can't ignore us forever! Those Dalai-Lama-darn people will listen to open-mindedness whether they want to or not," said Young.

A rally to gain Clemson University student support is being held at the local Ben and Jerry's this Friday at 1 p.m.
My favorite part about this article was overhearing someone in one of my classes, who apparently didn't realize it was fake, say that he went down to Ben and Jerry's to see if anyone showed up. No one did.

To see the other handful of articles published in the student newspaper go here.


  1. Hahaha! "Those Dalai-Lama-darn people..." This made me LOL super hard at work.


You are the reason why I do not write privately. I would love to hear your thoughts, whether you agree or not.