Friday, July 30, 2010

Applying Preference for Change in Marriage

In a recent post considering what core belief makes conservatives and liberals different, I argued that change is the best measure. Liberals embrace change and conservatives are weary of it. It resulted in a great discussion that ended with the question of whether this idea is practically helpful. Taking that as a challenge, I found a clear example of where the conservative/liberal views of change are both true and helpful, in marriage.

It is a fairly common understanding that women are more liberal than men, by a margin as wide as 12%. If we then apply the preferences for change, it helps explain common marital disagreements. Pop culture and my own marital experience confirm the idea that women are more satisfied in marriage when things are improving. For example, for my wife, our marriage is doing well if we are regularly dealing with our problems. If we aren't fighting, we probably aren't growing. For me, I feel like our marriage is doing well if we don't fight at all (my wife has taught me the folly of this idea, hence this earlier post).

Women, who are on average more liberal, are optimistic about the change the next fight will bring. Men, who are on average more conservative, are worried about the change the next fight might bring. I think both perspectives can be true. For many couples fighting leads to future baggage and more fights. For others fighting leads to dealing with past baggage and less (or at least healthier) fights. I'm curious, have other couples seen this to be true?

10 comments:

  1. Traci B.2:52 PM

    This blog needs a fact checker before paraphrased quotes are posted! I would change the word fighting to discussing or improving.

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  2. Let's be real sweetie. How often are our conflicts discussions and how often are they fights?

    Oh, and happy anniversary :)

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  3. Also, let it be shown that my wife was here trying to start another fight (for the good of our marriage of course).

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  4. "Pop culture and my own marital experience confirm the idea that women are more satisfied in marriage when things are improving."

    I don't think anybody, gender aside, is more satisfied when things are regressing. Hooray, we're so unhappy is just an oxymoron.

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  5. I meant women measure success by improvement. Men measure success by not regressing. Do you think that is true in your marriage?

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  6. I'd say at some point, you have to enjoy the growth you've accomplished. Why are we improving if not to relish the state we've achieved? I suppose I'm a hermie by your definitions.

    I think Bryan and my standards of success in marriage are the same, and I think that's a large part of why our marriage works. I can count on one hand the number of fights I've had with Bryan in the time I've known him; when we do disagree, we discuss. It's probably Bryan's calm demeanor and his ability to explain ideas rationally that makes it so.

    I'm not saying how we deal with things is a recipe for everyone because, like macaroni and cheese, there's a lot of great ways to make it awesome. But we do make the most kick ass macaroni I've ever tasted.

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  7. Can you say "confirmation bias".

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  8. You're probably right Steve, but confirmation bias isn't all bad. Imagine a world where our previous theories had no more weight than the next theory we heard. I think confirmation bias helps us with in-depth understanding. However it can also keep us from learning or changing. Is that what you are saying is happening here?

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  9. Dang Alyssa. Maybe my wife should have married Bryan :)

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  10. I don't know. She and he are very different. She wouldn't be able to handle him ;)

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You are the reason why I do not write privately. I would love to hear your thoughts, whether you agree or not.